Every week during this season of Survivor, CBS runs a public service announcement for Stand Up to Cancer. It features Boston Rob, Russell, Rupert, Colby, Jerri, Jenna Morasca, Ethan Zohn and Tom Westman asking us to contribute and “Vote cancer off the island.” As I watch the ad, all I can think of is how much preferable these old favorites would be to the current cast. Come to think of it, cancer itself would be preferable to the current cast. That’s right, I’ll take a full-blown rectal tumor over another hour of NaOnka any time.
Since my last missive on this waking nightmare of a season, we’ve had a merge and Alina, Marty and Brenda have been voted off to the jury. So I’ll tackle them first:
Alina – Didn’t like her, didn’t hate her. She was like this buzzing gnat that would occassionally land in front of the camera, natter on about this or that, was bitter enemies with NaOnka one episode, then her best friend the next, then she was gone. Along with Purple Kelly, she’s one of the most forgettable people to play the game in years.
Marty – I know I gave him a hard time in my last write-up, but I was still sorry to see him go. He was never close to the strategic dynamo he imagined himself, but at least he was trying to play the game. Far as I can tell, he’s still the only player to recognize Jane as the biggest threat. He also had to take a lot, and I mean A LOT, of crap from Jane and NaOnka during the most dismal Tribal Councils in the show’s history and he did it with a smile, never raising his voice or lowering himself into the cesspool. His fatal flaw was possessing an ego zoned for its own postal code, and never, ever shutting up. You would see when he’d win over potential allies with a well thought out argument…and then lose them as he continued to prattle on. Russell or Boston Rob would use this guy for fishbait but compared to the rest of the Libertad tribe, he was the only castaway worthy of making the Final Three.
Brenda – If you read the blog of one Jeff Probst, then you know he’s earnestly been trying to sell the notion that Brenda was this season’s Parvati. And I understand this, because the man hosts the show and it’s his job to make you believe this is the bestest, most awesomest season there’s ever been. But we know better. I’ve seen Parvati. I’ve written about Parvati for three separate seasons. And Mr. Probst, Ol’ Pumpkinhead is no Parvati. Just ‘cause a girl is hot and convinces a couple of waterbrained choads to vote out two or three people is not enough to grant her automatic Parvatihood. Remember that Parvati always had the end game in mind, a concept that appears to have eluded Brenda (along with everyone else). And Parvati never presumed her power was assured; she always shored up her defenses and made sure she had numbers. Brenda simply assumed she and Sash ran the game and everyone else bowed to their will. Thus she was easy meat when the peasants (along with Sash) rose up last night and decapitated her. Such an ignominious fate would never befall the foxy boxer.
That leaves Benry, Chase, Dan (yes, freakin’ Dan is still in this!), Fabio, Holly, Jane, Purple Kelly, NaOnka and Sash. And do you really want to see any of them win? Out of those nine, I count six (Benry, Chase, Dan, Fabio, Jane and Purple Kelly) that have been total sheep. Holly has shown the most improvement as a player and deserves credit for being the first to float getting rid of Brenda, but I still remember her as the shoe-stealing, game-quitting, tear-squirting loony toon from the second episode, so I can’t wholly get behind the woman winning. Sash may charm some, but to me he’s the smarmy creep who won’t let you close the door as he tries to sell you a set of steak knives. And he’s screwed over too many “friends” to seriously count on anyone’s vote should he make it to the end. Finally, there’s NaOnka, who I grudgingly admit has guaranteed herself a spot in the Final Three. Of course, she’s done this by being the single biggest flaming a–hole in the history of Survivordom. Her interminable Tribal Council tirade at Fabio and Marty had more bleeped out f-words than The Sopranos on A&E, and even left Jeff speechless. Taking her to the Final Three is only basic strategy, ‘cause there’s no way in hell’s creation she gets a single vote. Also, Inglewood is not South Cental, Miss Thing. Inglewood is just east of Santa Monica where you stop smelling the ocean and start inhaling fumes from the jets flying out of LAX.
Of the sheep, it’s clear Jane has the best shot at winning. She’s a walking advertisement for the P90X workout, as it’s turned her into an unstoppable hillbilly wraith in the physical challenges. But she’ll just blow the million on meth and dogfood. Chase is too dumb to live. Every time he said, “I trust Brenda,” my b.s. descrambler printed out “I lust Brenda.” (It’s imperfect technology.) Every time he said, “I’ve been playing with my heart,” the descrambler printed, “I’ve been playing with my…” Well, you get the idea. Hey look, I’ve been led by the dangling participle as much as any other guy, but never when $1 million was at stake. Now with Brenda banished, Chase is fresh out of allies. Benry is a fair physical threat, but he has no strategy of his own. Same goes for Fabio, who’s like a big, dumb St. Bernard granted the power of speech. Wasn’t he the genius who protected the camp’s fire from the rain by covering it with a shelter of nice dry, inflammable timber before forgetting about it to go off to the challenge? Forget the million dollars, give that man an Emmy. That leaves Dan and Purple Kelly, who are still there only because they’re such non-entities, it would be like casting a vote for one of the palm trees. Don’t be surprised if one of those two blocks of wood and carbon ends up winning this whole horrible thing. It would be just the sort of lame anti-climax this disaster of a season deserves.